stream of consciousness

Focus. That’s what I need. The ability to think about one thing at a time. I need to compartmentalize, to put things in nice sealed up little boxes where they won’t bother me for a little while. But how, when there is so much to ponder?

I’m job hunting. I’m noticing lasts – last time doing this, last time doing that. I’m finishing classwork. I’m looking forward to two weeks of literally a party or special event every day. I’m reviewing, processing, thinking through everything that’s happened in the last seven, five, three years. In the last year. I’m overwhelmed with a flood of grief, joy, nostalgia, hope… and gratitude. More than anything, gratitude. So much to celebrate. I want to spread my arms wide and gather it all up, all the people, the days, this place, the big new york church, the tiny small town church, the songs, the nights, the stories, the images, the voices… please let me remember it all, all of the agonizing wonderful painful moments of this process, of this becoming… May these three years of time outside of time, of rest and retreat, of catechesis give me strength, courage, patience, compassion on the road ahead, for the journey, for the forever that has been and is and starts two weekends from now. Ordination – a change, something totally different, something forever – or an exclamation point, a codifying, a declaration of who I am, have been, will become, was born to be? Of who we all are and what we are about? Scary? Reassuring? I’m so ready and so unprepared…

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~ by Sophia on May 3, 2009.

4 Responses to “stream of consciousness”

  1. Amen.

  2. I can hardly believe you’ve been there three years already—that means I’ve been gone 4! I still remember all the emotion of those last weeks.

    I hope that you find a good position soon! It’s so hard to be in that place of not knowing.

    And CONGRATULAIONS!!!

  3. Many congratulaions to you!!

  4. I’ve been out five years now, and I remember all that. Wow.

    But, as I heard someone say this past week, the Lord will watch over your going out and your coming in. You are going out from here and coming into a new role. You’ll never know it all; but if you know where to find it, you’ll be okay.

    Blessings

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