Signs of Transition

God willing and the people consenting, I’ll be ordained a deacon 3 1/2 months from now.

All of a sudden everything is changing. The evidence has become hard to ignore.

I served my last day as sacristan captain, and took my vestments off the day captain’s hook. The new guild chiefs, captains, and members get inducted tonight.

My deacon’s stole for ordination is being made and will be delivered to me at diocesan convention.

I ordered clergy shirts and collars from two companies yesterday, figuring that it’s going to take some time and experimenting to figure out what fits.

I just wrote the required letter, noting my postulancy and candidacy dates, to ask my bishop to ordain me as a deacon.

I’ve got a job interview scheduled.

and, wait for it…

my husband has started collecting boxes that might be useful when we move.

I’m not sure what to do about all of this. I’m trying so hard to stay engaged here, to get done the things I need to get done, to remember that the opportunities I have now will soon be replaced by the demands of parish life (I hope – provided I have a job). It actually hurts when I think about leaving this community and the people here that I’ve come to love.

I’ve decided that I’m finally going to make taking care of myself a priority this semester. Even though it feels like a waste of time, I’m finally desperate enough to do the things I know I need to do to keep from going nuts. I don’t want a repeat of what it was like when we were preparing to move here. Back then I was so scared by the crazy changes we were making – selling everything and running away to the big city to spend three years in school with no income and people we’d never met – that I started getting physically ill. I would wake up in the middle of the night in excruciating stomach pain. I’d lie there in the darkness whimpering until it either went away or I was too tired to care anymore. I thought something was seriously wrong with me, but once I settled into life at seminary, it went away. I’d never been so miserable from stress either before or since. I don’t want it to happen again.

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~ by Sophia on February 3, 2009.

One Response to “Signs of Transition”

  1. Amazing! I remember when you were just getting ready to go off to seminary. Good luck with all your transitions!

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