Middler Angst

I’m trying to finish up some work left over from the semester, and I’m getting nowhere fast. I am not particularly good at compartmentalizing and my angst about everything except the topic at hand is keeping me from finishing what should be a simple project.

So I’m going to do a little angst-transfer in a very disorganized, free-association way onto my blog. Hopefully then I’ll be able to concentrate.

=========

Frustration with the now. Fear of the later. Wanting to be, to do, to try. Tired of observing, watching, waiting. Tired of part time commitments. Tired of not having enough hours in the day to be the change. Afraid of what would happen if I did.

Wondering about choices. Could I learn more in different classes, different field ed? Did I choose well? Is there as much value in learning what I won’t do and what isn’t for me as there is in what I would do? Does my presence matter?

What would I do, anyway? I want to serve
the young
the old
gay
straight
the poor
probably not the rich (but don’t the vows include them?)
the seeking
the spiritual refugee
the cradle Episcopalian
the sick
students
professionals
homeless
parents
singles
urban
rural
not suburban but that’s something I know and understand

What about

Preach the gospel
focus on issues
usher in the Kingdom
only God brings the kingdom
personal salvation
corporate salvation
the Church catholic
the great commission
what if I’m spiritual not religious, at least for this 34 second time slot?
faith
works
liturgy liturgy liturgy, underneath it all an almost scandalous fascination with liturgy, with ritual…
liturgy must must must inform action, it’s dead on its own
action must lead to liturgy, to worship, to sacrament, we I they need to be fed, to pause

I crave the sheer joy of the physical acts of worship, of lighting candles, of carrying a heavy brass cross, of getting the intonation right so the Epistle makes sense, commas or not, of serving at the table, of chanting the litany and hearing the reply all around, of moving deliberately, of being in the right place at the right time, of seeing a plan fall into place, of meeting, turning, bowing, walking in one swift unison motion, standing sitting standing kneeling standing again, common prayer common creed, feeling like the thurible is living swing it it wants to move, to breathe…

That’s all elitist. Look around, look around. If it’s food and not a drug, use it. Burn the calories of worship, of eucharist. If praying shapes believing show it.

The hills, the valleys, the streets cry out for justice. The city is awash in pain and greed and despair
The headlines scream death tragedy humiliation
Politicians provide non-answers.

and a small voice whispers
What kind of priest will you be?

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~ by Sophia on January 2, 2008.

4 Responses to “Middler Angst”

  1. Welcome to the middle of your middler year. You are filled with the possibilities in front of you and wondering about what you have been and what you might become. You are thinking about the right things and asking the right questions. Sucky as it is, this time is all about questions – where will we go? what will God call us to do? Will we like it? Will it be something we’ve always wanted to do?God is gracious. God is faithful. You are being formed and shaped by all that you – no one class or field ed site is “better” or “worse” than another. They each provide us opportunities to learn about ourselves, others, and God. Each bring us new insights.Press on.

  2. It’s good to know I’m not unusual in my craziness. 🙂

  3. Yup, sharing some of your feelings. It’s like: Holy cow…in a year and a hlaf they’ll be foisting me on an unsuspecting world! What am I doing? What should I be doing? What am I missing?The Spirit is faithful and she will guide you. And this time next year, we’ll be doing GOEs – what a thrill! We’ll learn what we need to learn to get priested, and then we’ll really learn. It will come, I am sure.[[[[sophia]]]]]

  4. Julie nailed it, I think.And your free association sounds like poetry to me.

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